suffocation
where is it all going? life's getting even more busier, more complicated than ever.. desperately looking for a solution.. seeking solace in all the wrong avenues, am losing it a bit.
Times like tonight, sleep just doesnt come, even after hours of trying. its not insomnia i know, its just something at the back of my mind constantly making those noises, ensuring that whatever happens, I must not sleep. am only left to wonder if only I was stronger enough. If only i was intelligent enough to prioritise.. is it time for an extreme change in mindset? frankly, uptil about 2 months ago, i was enjoying being me. what happened in the process? is it the fact the all the fucking work from last semester got piled up, due to procrastination, and lethargy? or is it the coupling of the guilt along with that overload, thats making it worse? someone said my break up was rather a consequence than a cause of my present state of mind.. i refuse to think about that now. But not only one, a number of people have told me I look extra depressed this semester, somehow deep down i know how true the statement is, but i am scared to accept it. there is just sooo much to be dealt with right now. i try make list of what i wanna do.. but doesnt work for me, i've never worked like that! have always taken it day to day basis..
I wanna run away! am so looking forward to go mexico for exchange. subjects matchings are still in the process. they sped up in the past, now suddenly nothing's been happening. I thot one last mail to them and my subjects will be settled, but they havent replied! am tied. dunno what to do. 15th's the deadline.
the union work is taking its toll. am sick of being told do this do that! seriously, makes no sense. even when there are 3 directors present, I'm randomly made their leader, thats still all right. but now suddenly my jobscope increases like hell, besides handling my portfolio, i gotta come up with ideas, allocate work, extract work from lethargic ppl, report back to the main commer, contact the admin ppl, keep following up on updates, write proposals, surveys.. sickening i tell u!
only astro is someplace where am being slow and steady, and catching up on the work.
i must confess, my confidence in the word 'Friend', is shaking. i dunno why.. may be i expect too much from some people from whom i shudnt. may be I think in a way no one else does. may be i like ppl too much making it difficult for them to reciprocate. may be i cant accept the fact that ppl already have people to get what they want. Ppl offer support when they see u depressed, but the offer always remains an offer to offer support. no one does anything. Ppl whom i think are good friends end up being jackasses. may be its all the pressure thats buckling me down. may be i need someone to tell me am important! am loved! am appreciated! but only when they mean it. guess i gotta wait. but then i feel, the more i wait, the more i start feeling sick of this. making my confidence shatter in the term friendship. and for me to say that, it means a lot. the whole essence of my life has been friends. the continuos flow of people around me.
i feel stifled.
solution lies only in clearing my mind, taking it step by step, and not giving a fuck to random ppl, who are now a part of my life, even if i wanna get rid of them, i cannot. i must learn to ignore! start being selfish. shud know how to hear selectively.
i see the silver lining..
Times like tonight, sleep just doesnt come, even after hours of trying. its not insomnia i know, its just something at the back of my mind constantly making those noises, ensuring that whatever happens, I must not sleep. am only left to wonder if only I was stronger enough. If only i was intelligent enough to prioritise.. is it time for an extreme change in mindset? frankly, uptil about 2 months ago, i was enjoying being me. what happened in the process? is it the fact the all the fucking work from last semester got piled up, due to procrastination, and lethargy? or is it the coupling of the guilt along with that overload, thats making it worse? someone said my break up was rather a consequence than a cause of my present state of mind.. i refuse to think about that now. But not only one, a number of people have told me I look extra depressed this semester, somehow deep down i know how true the statement is, but i am scared to accept it. there is just sooo much to be dealt with right now. i try make list of what i wanna do.. but doesnt work for me, i've never worked like that! have always taken it day to day basis..
I wanna run away! am so looking forward to go mexico for exchange. subjects matchings are still in the process. they sped up in the past, now suddenly nothing's been happening. I thot one last mail to them and my subjects will be settled, but they havent replied! am tied. dunno what to do. 15th's the deadline.
the union work is taking its toll. am sick of being told do this do that! seriously, makes no sense. even when there are 3 directors present, I'm randomly made their leader, thats still all right. but now suddenly my jobscope increases like hell, besides handling my portfolio, i gotta come up with ideas, allocate work, extract work from lethargic ppl, report back to the main commer, contact the admin ppl, keep following up on updates, write proposals, surveys.. sickening i tell u!
only astro is someplace where am being slow and steady, and catching up on the work.
i must confess, my confidence in the word 'Friend', is shaking. i dunno why.. may be i expect too much from some people from whom i shudnt. may be I think in a way no one else does. may be i like ppl too much making it difficult for them to reciprocate. may be i cant accept the fact that ppl already have people to get what they want. Ppl offer support when they see u depressed, but the offer always remains an offer to offer support. no one does anything. Ppl whom i think are good friends end up being jackasses. may be its all the pressure thats buckling me down. may be i need someone to tell me am important! am loved! am appreciated! but only when they mean it. guess i gotta wait. but then i feel, the more i wait, the more i start feeling sick of this. making my confidence shatter in the term friendship. and for me to say that, it means a lot. the whole essence of my life has been friends. the continuos flow of people around me.
i feel stifled.
solution lies only in clearing my mind, taking it step by step, and not giving a fuck to random ppl, who are now a part of my life, even if i wanna get rid of them, i cannot. i must learn to ignore! start being selfish. shud know how to hear selectively.
i see the silver lining..
posted by Rohan at 4:24 AM
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